Perfecting the iPhone

A lot of unreasonably brilliant people are working long and hard in rather peculiar conditions to make your iPhone as perfect as it can be.

We're having terrific difficulty getting the button exactly right. It works beautifully of course, but Steve is obsessed with the feel of the button. It has to be a joy to press. It has to be a such a joy that when you press our button your nerves tingle, your pupils dilate and you never want to look at another phone ever again.

So we looked for something to emulate which causes a similar rush of joy when pressed.

We found it of course. We're good at this. I don't like to boast, but face it, we are. Personally I found it first when I was 15, I'll never forget that moment... but that's another story.

The sticky issue with the iPhone button is does it feel enough like a clitoris? Or too much?

We want people thinking, "Wow, that button feels like, like, um, well it's amazing whatever it is." We don't want prudetards picketing our clean white stores and getting in the way of paying customers.

So Steve and my team and I have taken two hundred and sixty-seven iPhone prototypes out to do some field research at... well.. let's call it a desert testing range, at least that's what our paperwork says. Although the only things ever field tested here before are implants and Viagra. Steve had to pull strings to book the whole ranch for the whole of Easter, but that's a lot easier now that he's a big wheel in Hollywood. I can't say whose arms he had to twist, but don't be surprised if Jack, Charlie and George have shiny new iPhones sooner than you do.

I've said too much.

For almost a week it's been press, double-press, press-and-hold, rub, flick, squeeze. We've done blind tests and double blind, left hand and right hand, finger and thumb, skin, glove and mitten. Always comparing, taking notes, debating and meditating. Our vision is blurred and our fingers are stiff, but we won't stop we're satisfied that you will love your button.

We're committed do whatever it takes to make every aspect of every product as perfect as we can.

I hope you appreciate it.

Correction

There was an inaccuracy in my previous post which I'd like to correct.

You might think it's a little embarrassing for me to be admitting mistakes already, but I think it's important that we're honest and open with each other, OK?

Earlier I wrote:

People come up to me in the supermarket and say, "Jon, what does the new iMac look like?"

This is not in fact true. People don't usually recognize me. When they do they don't usually ask sensible, grammatical questions.

Sometimes people say, "I know you! Wait don't tell me, you were in that movie Lock, Stock and Thankyou for Smoking. Dude! You rock!"
And I say, "Uh, thanks. Stay in school. Don't do drugs so much."

Or people say, "Yeah, it is him! It's the Apple guy. Dude, you know Steve Jobs, huh?"
And I say, "Uh, no. I'm Hollywood actor Jason Statham, you may remember me from movies such as Snatch and The Italian Job."

In real life I don't get to meet intelligent admirers, with firm, well-rounded opinions and have interesting conversations in saunas.

That's what this blog is for.

So now you know.

New iMac designs

Lately, there's been some chatter about the new iMac we're assumed to be working on. People come up to me in the supermarket and say, "Jon, what does the new iMac look like?"

Can't say much, obviously. Won't confirm that there is one. Could be we'll bump up the specs and keep selling the current iMac for another year or two. Maybe we'll kill the iMac altogether. Maybe we'll shut down the company and give the money back to the shareholders. Ooh, that's a good one, let's do.

I say only this: think radical transparency. This baby is invisible. Of course there are some juicy challenges in the technology and manufacturing and it's going to be hard to find when its turned off and clearly it'll cost a bomb. But ohmygod it's sexy.

There, I've said too much.

Mousie

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